


Invisible Shades of Grey

by SadieHerondale



Series: Broken Prisms [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Creeper Derek, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Character Death, Moving On, No Angst, OW, Panic Attacks, Poor Stiles, Reading Diaries, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Stiles Has Issues, Stiles Has Nightmares, Stiles Has Panic Attacks, Tragedy, Triggers, but shes major to Stiles, i cried, just sadness, lot of emotional hurt, not until the last chapter dont worry, these tags are depressing, you guys know me by now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5276414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadieHerondale/pseuds/SadieHerondale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dec. 28, 2003           <strong>GOOD DAY</strong></p><p>Hii! I'm Stiles. I guess you're my journal, but that's such a boring name. I think I'll give you a name. Let's see... <strike>Robbie. Jacob. Lydia.</strike> Dee. I like Dee. It's a nice name. I don't think you really care, though, do you? After all, you're just a book. A very pretty book, don't get me wrong. You're black leather and my name (my full name darn it) is written on the front in Mom's handwriting. Your still a book though.</p><p>But now you have a name. Dee.</p><p> </p><p>Or, Derek finds Stiles' journal during the mess with the Nogitsune, and he takes the chance to learn more about the boy he loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is everything Derek is reading. In a sense, YOU ARE DEREK. Yes, revel in the godlike perfection that is you. Now read, cry, and feel the feels. Because I am the master of tearful words.
> 
> The Polish word translates to "baby boy."
> 
>  **Bold** \- 17 year old Stiles' notes to himself as he tries to decide whether or not he is a red or green string on his murder wall
> 
>  _Itallics_ \- Dates
> 
>  _ **Bold/Itallics**_ \- Derek's thoughts and/or actions in real time (except that bit when Stiles is talking about Scott)

_Dec. 28, 2003_     **GOOD DAY**

Hii! I'm Stiles. I guess you're my journal, but that's such a boring name. I think I'll give you a name. Let's see... ~~Robbie. Jacob. Lydia.~~ Dee. I like Dee. It's a nice name. I don't think you really care, though, do you? After all, you're just a book. A very pretty book, don't get me wrong. You're black leather and my name (my full name darn it) is written on the front in Mom's handwriting. Your still a book though.

But now you have a name. Dee.

So, Dee. Mom gave you to me for Christmas. It was something about me needing to talk to someone besides Scott. Honestly, I don't get it. I tell Scott everything, so to me, it doesn't make sense to have a journal.

That's all for now, bye.

  
_Jan. 27, 2004_       **BAD TERRIBLE AWFUL COMPLETE CRAP DAY**

Hi Dee. I know I haven't talked to you much since I got you, but Scott's not exactly understanding. He thinks I wat him to tell me that its okay, that everything's okay but its not.

Mom's dead.

God, that looks so awful when I put it in pen, but I need to let it out. At least that's what the therapist says. So there it is. Mom's gone and she's not coming back. The funeral was today. I had to stand next to Dad when he talked and I really wanted to cry but I couldnt becuse he was already crying so I had to be strong. Plus my therapist says Mom woud want me to be happy.

I can't right now, Mom. Im gonna do my best, but right now it's just too hard. Like really hard. You always told me not to push myself so hard I snap, but just hard enough to bend. I'm gonna snap if I try to be happy now.

I'll be happy when I'm able to, I promise.

I love you.

  
_Feb. 14, 2004_       **BAD DAY**

Hey Dee.

It's Valentine's Day (duh), and Im lucky it's Saturday because I wouldn't go to school anyway if it wasnt. Mom used to say I was too young to have a real Valentine, so every year she buys me chocolates and flowers and Dad and I get her some too. Except she doesn't like chocolate so we get her those little heart candies. Oh... I mean she didn't like chocolate. I've been doing that a lot lately. Dad didn't do anything for it this year.

I went to see her erlier. Mom, I mean. Dad was asleep on the couch again, so I threw away the bottles on the floor and walked to the semetary. I took Dads credit card to the drugstore to buy the yellow roses she ~~likes~~ liked and the heart candies, but Mrs. Perkins, the lady at the counter, just gave them to me and told me not to worry about it. She said to say hi to mom for me and gave me a blue card to go with the flowers. Mrs. Perkins dosnt know I can see blue. Only Mom does.

I put the flowers and candy in front of her headstone and just talked to her. I cried, Dee, and I know Mom doesn't want me to cry but I can't help it. When nobody's watching I cry a lot, so much that its hard to breath and I start shaking just because I miss her so much.

I didn't take my Aderal today because Mom doesnt know about my ADHD yet. I want to be the way she knew me.

God Dee, I think I'm gonna cry again.

  
_March 23, 2004_       **GOOD DAY (YOU KNOW, GIVEN THE TIME)**

Dee.

I'm not sure why I'm writing to you. Nothing's really happened, but... I don't know. It's almost like you're a person, like I'm talking to you and I haven't talked to you in a while so I guess I miss you?

Is that a thing?

I'm just sitting in my room right now. Melissa has started giving me rides to school. Dad takes the night shifts at work now to stop himself from drinking, so I don't see him a lot anymore. I think Melissa had something to do with that too. She was really mad when she walked in and sniffed. I think she smelled the beer because she sent me and Scott to my room to play video games, but we could hear her yelling at my dad. That's the most eventful thing that's happened.

I guess this entry was just to say hi. I miss you.

-Stiles

  
_April 8, 2004_

I'm ten today, Mom. You always said that was a really big year, that we'd do something huge, but we can't. I've got Dee in my hands and Dad is working and Scott and Melissa will be here soon.

I'm sitting with you now. I've been trying to be happy, I promise. I try to smile at myself in the mirror in the mornings, but I can't. It's like my face won't let me. I'm not giving up though. I'm not seeing my therapist anymore, but she always told me you want me to be happy, wherever you are. So I'm trying.

I miss you so much Mom. It's been really hard, trying to be strong for everyone. Melissa told me once that its okay to cry and be sad, but I think it's only okay if you have someone there to help. Dad is sad all the time, so I can't be. I have to be there to help him and let him know it's okay to be sad. I'm getting really good grades and everything too, just like usual. I know you'd be disappointed if I wasn't.

It hurts a lot, sitting in front of your tombstone and not being able to see your face. I want to talk to you again, Mommy. I want to hear you laugh and watch your boring Law and Order tv shows that I don't understand but mostly I want to talk to you again. I just want to hear your voice telling me to have a happy birthday because I don't know if I can do that without you.

I promise to try. And I promise I'll write to you every year on my birthday, that way you can watch me grow up like I know you wanted to. Just remember that no matter how old I get, I'll always be your chłopczyk. I remember hating it when you called me that, but... I'd give absolutely anything to hear you say it one more time. But I'll just say it back like I used to: I love you Mom.

Happy Birthday To Me.

Love Always, Chłopczyk

P.S. I was able to smile today, when I remembered you. I thought that might make you happy.

 

_June 16, 2004_   **GOOD DAY**

Dee, did I ever tell you about the boy I met with the green eyes? I call him the Green Eyed Boy in my head I met him when I was in the hospital the first time with Mom. He looked how I felt, so I bought a Reeses and split it with him. He didn't say anything, but I didn't care. 

His family came to take him home, saying something about how someone named Penny or Paige or something was taken care of. They all left, but for some reason I still remember him. I was thinking about that day earlier, which might be why I'm thinking about him. It was the most normal thing to happen that day.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. It doesn't really matter.

-Stiles


	2. Chapter 2

_September 3, 2004_       **GOOD DAY (BUT SERIOUSLY, YOUNGER ME, WHAT THE FUCK?)**

Hey Dee. I start the fifth grade today. It's my last year before middle school, can you believe it? I feel old, almost. Scott and I would be the big kids on campus if he weren't still so short. Or if I had friends besides him.

Jackson is still the same as always. Did I ever do anything that made him angry? I don't remember, but I hope I figure it out soon. I have almost all my classes with him and he's always so mean to me! Maybe he's sad too. If I try to be nice to him, do you think he'll be my friend? That's what Mom always said. She used to say that opposites attracted.

Luckily, Jackson's eyes are blue. I want to be his friend, but can you imagine if he was my soulmate, Dee? That would be terrible!

I probably won't have a lot of time to talk to you during the school year, Dee, so just in case I'm right, happy Thanksgiving, I'll see you during winter break!

-Stiles

 

_December 25, 2004_

Merry Christmas Mom. It's not the same without you, but there are red tulips on your grave from me. I hope you're not alone, wherever you are.

I love you.

 

 _December 28, 2004_   **GOOD AND BAD DAY**

Happy birthday, Dee. You're one now, oh my god! I've been looking back and I don't write that much, but my spelling has gotten a LOT better this year.

Scott and Melissa came over for Christmas. Melissa gave me a ton of new CDs for my collection. She seemed to think it was awful that I didn't know who Green Day was. Now that I've heard the album, I think it was awful too. Give Me ~~Novecaine Novacane~~ Novacaine is my favorite song on the first album. I had to look up what a migraine is, but other than that, I understood it (they use novacaine at the dentists' office). It's such a sad song, but I like it. It kind of reminds me of me.

Has it really been a year since I got you? Is this what parents feel like? I wish I could ask Mom. Melissa says I can ask her anything, but she's not Mom. You're the closest I can get to Mom, Dee. I tell you everything and sometimes I imagine that Mom comes in while I'm sleeping and reads it, so I write letters to her when I really miss her.

I guess you already knew that, huh?

I know she doesn't really come read them, but I'm not too old to pretend quite yet (I sound old). It makes it hurt less when I miss her.

I think I tell you more than I even tell Scott. Things aren't the same with us anymore. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that I'm still sad. **_~~Why does he think I can just GET OVER IT? SHE WAS MY MOM AND I LOVE HER AND I CAN'T~~_** He just doesn't know what it's like, it's not his fault.

I have to go make dinner. Happy birthday again, Dee.

 

 _January 24, 2005_   **TERRIBLE DAY**

I haven't been to school in a week, Dee. I know Mom would hate that, but I can't help it. I was getting a little better at faking a smile and then I remembered what day was coming up.

I still can't talk to Dad because it makes him so sad to think about Mom and I'm enough trouble for him as it is, but I had to talk to someone. I miss her so much it's hard to function. I don't remember the last time I got out of bed for more than five minutes. Melissa came by a few times to make sure I wasn't sick, but I'm not. I just miss my mom. I sleep a lot too, but I always have really bad nightmares.

Last night was the worst, I think. I dreamed that I was in the hospital with Mom and she said goodbye to me but I just got mad at her. I yelled at her and told her that she didn't dare leave me alone because I needed her and she had to get better or I wouldn't love her anymore.

I said I wouldn't love her anymore, Dee. What kind of horrible person am I?

It's only been a year since she died and I'm telling her I don't love her.

~~It should have been me, Dee.~~

 

 _February 14, 2005_          **BAD DAY**

Happy Valentine's Day.

Dad's working today, there was a break and enter call a few blocks away.

It's not taking a lot to upset me, I've noticed. Melissa took me to the drug store earlier to buy me some yellow roses and candy hearts, but they were out of the yellow roses. I guess they stocked up on red and pink and white but forgot the yellow. It got really hard to breathe and I started shaking really badly. I forgot where I was. When it was over, Melissa was holding me. I was all gross from crying and I was still shaking. She told me it was something called a panic attack.

I have them a lot, actually. Every time I let myself cry. That only happens when I finish my homework early and Dad's not home. If I have nothing to do, I remember that I really am alone. Dad's always working and Scott is useless in this type of situation. Melissa's been really helpful but she knows, at least, that she's not who I really want.

She drove me to the next town to get the flowers and then I put them on Mom's grave and talked to her until it got dark and Melissa had to take me home. She asked me who my Valentine was, and I told her it was my mom.

I've never seen Melissa cry before, Dee.

-Stiles

 

 _March 27, 2005_   **GOOD DAY**

OH MY GOD DEE IT'S RAINING SO MUCH.

It never really rains in Beacon Hills until like May. I have the wierd urge to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and stare out the window. Maybe it's going to rain until next week. I have school tomorrow, though. Ugh, I hate Mondays, I can't sleep off the nightmares until ten.

WAIT.

I HAD HOMEWORK.

I'VE GOTTA GO DEE, THE CHOCOLATE AND WINDOW GAZING HAS TO WAIT A BIT.

 

_April 8, 2005_

Hi, Mom.

I have a question: Did you ever have nightmares? How do you get rid of them? Because mine are terrible. I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm crying and sweating and sometimes I can't move for a few minutes. I'm getting used to it, but it's not much fun.

Anyway, I'm eleven! Double ones! 2 separated into two ones as separate digits!

What even, Stiles.

I still wish you were here. Remember how you used to wake me up on my birthday by blasting Forever Young in my room? I always complained, but I secretly liked it. Maybe it wasn't so secret, now that I think about it, since you kept doing it. I turned it on this morning while I was making breakfast.

How do I make Scott understand that I still miss you? He was really nice at first, but now it's like he's tired of hearing about you. ~~I think he wants me to forget about you.~~ He wants me back to how I was before. He just wants me to be happy. So I've learned how to fake a smile and force a laugh that sounds real. I'm learning sarcasm too. I've gotten better at smiling since last year. I think I've convinced my teachers that I'm okay. Scott too. Dad works too much to really notice. Sometimes I don't even have to fake it! Sometimes I'm able to smile because I'm actually happy. It scares me.

It really scares me, Mom. I don't know that I really want to be happy without you. It's almost like forgetting you. That's my worst nightmare. It hurts to remember you, but it almost kills me to think that one day I could forget you. I mean, you're my _Mom._ But people are always telling each other that they forget what someone's smile looks like or whatever. I remember everything about you still, I promise. I hope Dad does too.

I'm learning to draw, like you did. It helps with the panic attacks and it helps me sleep. I'll show you some when I get better, okay? I know I'm not handling everything the way you want me to, but maybe you can be proud of me for this.

Happy Birthday To Me.

Love Always, Chłopczyk

 


	3. Chapter 3

_May 5, 2005_     **I HONESTLY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO CLASSIFY THIS DAY SO**

Confession time, Dee: I kind of sort of might have gotten into a teeny tiny fight today. In my defense, it was in Scott's defense. One of Jackson's stupid friends (not Danny, he's cool, actually) was making fun of him for not being able to run the whole mile in PE so I kinda... broke his nose. Oops.

Why do we even have to run the mile? I'm never gonna have to run that much, honestly! I hate running, Scott hates running, everyone in their right minds hates running.

Anyway, they called my dad and then asked me how much Adderall I took. I totally BSed my way through it, Dee. I said I'd forgetten what the dose was because I took it really early and told them I'd doubled it. They actually bought it, too. The fact that I can lie that well is a little scary, but oh well. They blamed the meds, told Dad not to let me near them again, and sent me home for the day. It's only 1:30 right now.

Dad sat me down and had a "talk" with me, which basically involved him teling me how he knows it's been hard on me since Mom died and he hasn't been around much, etc, etc but I can't start acting out because of it. I think he's trying to be a dad again, but I don't need a dad, I need a mom. The past year's taught me that, at least. I've been fine without a dad, but without a mom... I'm a bit of a wreck. Dad's just working all the time, I think to pay off Mom's hospital bills and his drinking. I haven't actually seen him (until today) for a month, I think. It's almost like I'm an orphan except I'm not.

Melissa and Scott are here for dinner. Gotta go, Dee.

 

 _June 19, 2005_             **GOOD DAY BECAUSE**

I'M FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! FREEDOM!!! IT IS MINE!!

So, in case you can't tell Dee, school's out! Technically, I'm a middle schooler now. One of the big kids (except apparently its not cool to call ourselves that anymore but since when have I cared about being cool) of Beacon. But for the moment, I'm just happy to be out of that hell.

Scott's gonna come over soon to play videogames. Melissa got him the new Batman game because he got good grades and we're gonna break it in. She got me a new leather book for when you run out of pages, that way you can grow along with me, Dee. It doesn't have my name on the front, but that's okay. She doesn't actually know what you look like.

Actually, no one but her even knows you exist. Not even Dad. I don't think he would have a problem with it, but he might think I'm too old for you. He donated my stuffed fox a few days ago, so it's possible. And Scott would probably laugh and then roll his eyes when he figured out I wasn't kidding. He still thinks I'm over what happened.

Wait, I have to go make the grocery list for Dad so he doesn't try to bring home tv dinners again. Those things are really bad for you. I'll see you soon, Dee.

  
_July 17, 2005_ **GOOD DAY**

ANIME, Dee. ANIME IS MY NEW CALLING. I've spent most of the past few weeks binge watching it and I'm absolutely obsessed. I've finished Fairy Tail (that took like three days of nonstop watching, GOD), Black Butler, and Death Note. My favorite characters are Juvia, Mey-Rin, and Misa.

OH MY GOD I HAVE A TYPE. That's a little terrifying, because if that's my type, then my type is creepy stalkers and that just sounds scary. Like, Juvia watches Gray SLEEP. Can you imagine?

I really really hope my soulmate isn't that weird.

~Stiles

 

 _July 17, 2005_         **BAD NIGHT**

I'm ~~shk~~ shaking so badly right now, Dee. I had a ~~nitema~~ nightmare and I dont remember whatt it was about but I woke up crying and then I had a ~~panick~~ panic attack and I tried to be quiet and I think it ~~workd~~ worked because Dad didnt wake up yeah it's late enough that Dad is home from work and god this is a really long sentence. But its almost five and the sun will be up in a few hours. I won't be able to sleep anyway so I figured I would tl tell you about it and then I dont know read a book or something. Hahahaha as if Im gonna be able to ~~reab~~ read a book when I'm like this. I could probably take an Aderall. Or two. I know the dose is ~~jst~~ just one but sometimes it helps more to take two and I lookedit up, they aren't habit forming or anything, LIES but I dont take that much I don't even take double doses unless I have a good reason I'm gonna go do that before Dad wakes up and I don't know google the life cycle of a ~~platypus platapus~~ ~~platipus~~ platypus or something that's not so hard tos pell bye.

  
_November 24, 2005_       **NEUTRAL DAY**

Been a while, huh? I wonder why. I haven't had all that much to do, but whatever.

Why is Thanksgiving even a holiday, Dee? Like, it's just a bunch of people fighting over who gets the biggest turkey and what kind of cranberry sauce to use and whether or not we should do that green bean caserole (I think that's how you spell that) that no one eats. Then you all eat together and its awkward because you don't know what to talk about and then comes the turkey coma. And then it's over.

Like seriously, what is the big deal? It's not a family holiday if you don't spend it with family, and it's not fun if you spend it alone. I'm not bitter, I'm just... confused. It's a big enough deal that they give us three days off of school, but I just can't see it. Mom never really liked it either. She always said it was just a bunch of white people capitalizing on the misery they caused to thousands of people who deserve to be here far more than we do. I'm eleven years old, and I think I'm being more mature about this than most grown ups. Maybe saying that makes me less mature, I don't know. I just spent the day watching movies on the couch because Dad's working. 

I'm gonna go make a sandwich. I'll talk to you later, Dee.

-Stiles

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might update twice today, who knows?


	4. Chapter 4

_December 25, 2005_

Merry Christmas, Mom. I got you flowers again, tulips, and this time Dad came with me. I still miss you, but I'm getting a little better. I can fake a smile so well I even fool myself sometimes. Not a lot's happened since I talked to you on my birthday, but there's this new girl in the school, Erica Reyes and she has some disorder or something and people keep making fun of her. I wish I could make her feel better, but I don't think I could make a difference. I can barely even keep myself together. But I'm doing better than before. I know fake smiles aren't what you're looking for, but you always said to take baby steps, so I am.

I have really bad nightmares still, but I'm getting better at waking up quietly so I don't wake Dad up. Honestly, those are the times I miss you most. I know Dad needs me to be strong and happy so he stays happy, and I am I promise, but when I'm alone and it's way too late for me to be up, I really miss you.

Do you remember that journal you gave me ~~before you died~~ two years ago? I still use it. I named him Dee and I use it whenever something hapens or even when I just miss you. It was the last thing you gave me, maybe because you didn't want me to know that anything was wrong before it was already too late.

I knew something was wrong, Mom. I remember how sometimes, after school, you didn't pick me up and when the teacher made me call you, you asked who I was. You said, "Who's Stiles?" and I thought you were playing but then stuff like that just kept happening. I knew something was wrong, but you're my mom. I never thought anything really bad could happen if you were there. I guess I never thought about anything really bad happening to you. Even now it's hard to wrap my head around.

I'm sitting with you again, writing this, and Dad's in the car. I think Melissa told him about Valentne's Day and probably told him to give me space. She's been really great, Mom, and I can see why you were friends, but I don't want space. I want Dad to come give me a hug because he hasn't even touched me in months and I'm sad because he's all I have left but I barely see him. I'm making sure he eats healthy, though, like you told me. It was the last thing you said to me, remember? You were in the hospital and told me to take care of Daddy because you wouldn't be here to do it anymore and I promised I would and then... you were gone.

I really don't want to go home again without you, Mom. It's cold out here and it's getting dark, but it's colder there because Dad has work and I don't want to be alone. Everything just seems so much colder when I'm alone, it's like no matter what I do, I can't get warm. But I'm not gonna cry. Not here at least. I've never cried on your grave before and I'm not going to start now. You and I are sad enough when we come here, and I don't want to remember crying when I'm with you. Scott says ghosts aren't real, but if you really are here, floating around somewhere, I don't want you to see me cry anymore. I haven't let myself cry in public for months, because I really want to keep my promise.

Besides, I'm a big boy now, and big boys don't cry. Especially on Christmas.

I love you more than anything in the whole world, Mom, and I'm doing my best to be who you wanted me to be, even if I'm not sure how. Merry Christmas, wherever you are.

Chłopczyk

  
_January 24, 2006_ **LITERALLY ONE OF THE WORST DAYS OF MY SHITTY LIFE**

Hey, Dee. It's been a couple weeks, huh? I wish I could say I cared. Okay that was mean. I care, especially since you're about he only person presence in my life that hasn't completely ditched me for some stupid reason. Like, seriously.

Agent Asshole decided to drop in uninvited and screw with Scott and Melissa's life, which okay, understandable, but he's been here since Christmas and Scott seems to prefer fighting with him over hanging out with me and it's been a FREAKING MONTH OKAY. There is no bright side here, because even Melissa is preoccupied and I don't think she noticed the date.

Dad certainly did. He took a double shift at the station. HE JUST GOT PROMOTED TO SHERIFF, HE DOESN'T NEED THE OVERTIME ANYMORE. There's no one who can drive me to the drugstore to get yellow roses or drive me to the cemetery or tell me I'm not alone because I AM alone. I'm the most ALONE person in the 3000+ population of Beacon Freaking Hills and no one gives a flying crap because "That's Stiles. He's always so happy, I don't think I've ever seen him sad except that one time three years ago. There couldn't possibly be anything different today." I know I said that was what needed to happen but OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. I'M A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY WITHOUT PARENTS. I'M LONELY. I'M SAD. I MISS MY MOM AND MY DAD AND MY BEST FRIEND.

But the thing is, no one cares, Dee. Absolutely no one. Mom gave you to me because she said I would need someone to talk to, and I remember thinking, "nah, I've got Scott and Mom and Dad, why would I need someone else to talk to?" and now... Dad barely even looks at me anymore and the McCalls are oblivious. I don't even have other friends. No one cares about Happy Go Lucky Stiles Stilinski because no one notices anything except that I talk a lot and never stop smiling.

I've gotta go. I have to walk to the drugstore and get some flowers. I'll be damned if I miss the anniversary of Mom's death because everyone else is being stupid.

Bye.

  
_**Derek can't read anymore right now. How could he have missed this? How could he have known so very little about the boy he loves? He gets a text from Scott, they've got a lead on the Nogitsune. Derek puts the book back under the mattress, promising himself that he'll come back. There's this sick feeling in his gut, looking through these personal entries and especially the letters to his mother, but it's a primal urge. His wolf NEEDS to know its mate.** _

_**Derek can't stop a few tears from running down his face and he knows he shouldn't try to stop it, knows that he should let himself feel, but he never even**  _guessed ** _that Stiles had a void his dark inside of him. He is one of those "fucking idiots" Stiles was yelling at in his journal. He always assumed that Stiles was constantly happy and full of life. Always assumed that the little stutter in his heartbeat when he says "I'm fine, and you?" was happiness at being noticed or even giddiness that he's come to associate with whiskey eyes and flailing limbs._**

**_He drives to the rendezvous point thinking of nothing but how to rectify his mistake._ **


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of Derek in this, because I felt the need to put his feelings about this into context. WOO THIRD CHAPTER IN THREE DAYS. I'm on a ****ing roll.

_**The lead was a bust. The Nogitsune is taking Stiles' already considerable intelligence and ramping it up tenfold. They don't have a prayer. Instead of going home, he sneaks in through Stiles' window; unnecessary, but a habit that reminds him of better times. He reaches under the mattress until he finds the familiar leather cover and pulls it out. There are post-its sticking out of the top, red for bad days and green for good. He realizes that Stiles must have gone through the book-- Dee --when he wasn't around, when he was revamping his Murder Wall to incorporate its maker into the mystery. He steels himself before opening it, equal parts afraid and ashamed as to what he might find but unwilling not to do it. It's a violation of previously nonexistent privacy between him and Stiles, he knows, but he's beginning to see why the Nogitsune was so drawn to Stiles. So much hurt must have been irresistible to the thing.**_

  
_January 25, 2006_            **GOOD DAY, I GUESS**

Sorry, Dee. That last letter was mean. I don't blame anyone for what's going on, I was just sad. It was the first time I had to go through Mom's anniversary alone and I had SCHOOL and I didn't know what to do. Melissa and Scott and Raphael came over at like five, I guess, and freaked out when I wasn't there. I think at five I was still at the cemetery. They didn't call Dad, they just went out and drove around looking for me. I was still there when they found me, but I didn't notice they were there until I got up. Melissa and Scott were at the gate and Melissa asked me if my Dad dropped me off. I was still really mad and my face was all twitchy. Scott was looking at me weirdly. I said no, I walked, and I think it was the first time she'd ever heard me mad.

Like really mad, not throwing a little kid tantrum mad. I told her I wanted to walk home now and she told me she was going to give me a ride so I didn't get sick. I let her, even though I know it isn't the cold that makes people sick. I think she's sorry. I don't know if Scott even knows he did anything wrong, but I don't think I'm going to tell him anything. ~~If I do he'll get all guilty and then it'll be all about him again~~ I don't want him to feel bad.

Raphael didn't even look at me, but he never does. I don't think he likes me that much, but I don't care. I don't like him either because he was so mean to Scott. If I was bigger, I'd probably yell at him. As of right now, I think he'd laugh. That's okay, I can wait. Scott won't do it and Melissa seems to like making him think he has a chance. Somebody's gotta tell that guy what's what and I guess that's me.

I guess all I wanted to say is I'm sorry. I had no right to feel that way yesterday and I made you listen to it, Dee. I can't give you regular presents like I give people when I'm sorry, so here's a sticker. I have to go give Melissa some of the cookies I made this morning to apologize for acting like that now, I'll talk to you later.

~Stiles

  
_February 14, 2006_ **GOOD DAY**

Happy Valentine's Day, Dee! It fell on a Tuesday this year so I had school and Dee, LYDIA MARTIN GAVE ME A VALENTINE. She has the prettiest green eyes, and I tell her that a lot, but she says that my eyes aren't blue so she doesn't care what I think. It's kind of mean, but I don't care. She has strawberry blonde hair and I'm the only one in the entire town that knows that because I can see yellow and it's not entirely yellow so it has to also be red (I read that somewhere) and oh my god it's so pretty. SHE'S so pretty. And she's really smart too. She pretends she isn't, but I can tell. I see her test scores all the time when I pass them out and she never gets anything less than a 98. THIS is the girl that gave me a valentine. I mean she gave everyone else on too, but still. ME. She's always skipped over me before. She's not my valentine, though. That's always gonna be Mom. Lydia is a close second, though.

BEST. VALENTINE'S DAY. EVER. Almost.

~Stiles

  
_**The next page doesn't have a post-it on it, and Derek realizes it's another letter to his mother. Stiles tends to forget things, and it's clear that that tendency extends to journal entries. As he gets older, he gets busier and unimportant entries are less and less frequent, appearing every few months instead of every month or two. It's one of the most difficult things he's ever done, reading this, but he tells himself it's necessary. These entries, these letters, they each hold a piece of Stiles' soul that he never shared with the world. Each one, even the ones with green post-its, is shrouded in darkness and pain. Each one is a testament to how little he actually says when he's rambling, how little he really trusts himself. Derek thought, naively, that since Stiles was so young when his mother died, that she didn't really impact his life to the extent that, say, Agent McCall affects Scott.** _

_**It's like a knife in the gut when he remembers the fight that exploded when Stiles told him he didn't want to do anything for Valentine's Day. He remembers thinking that it didn't make sense, that Valentine's is the biggest day of the year for people who have found their soulmates. His eyebrow twitches in anger when he remembers Scott siding with**_ Derek _ **, when he thinks that the idiot is so dense as not to notice his best friend's habits every year on February 14.** _

_**He decides against reading the letter right now. He has to have a serious discussion with Melissa before he's ready for that, needs to have another account of January 24, 2006 and every day before and after that with the person that knew him best--the only person that actually knew that he wasn't entirely okay.** _

_**Melissa looks surprised when he knocks, and even more surprised when he says he has to talk to her, it's about Stiles. He asks about what he was like the year after his mom died and she tells him it wasn't as bad as she expected, that he definitely wasn't okay, but seemed to be dealing with it well. It confirms Derek's suspicions that Stiles dealt with everything largely on his own, pretending to be fine and internalizing his pain until he was irreversibly scarred. She gets a grim look on her face when he asks about January 24 and actually tears up when she remembers the cookies Stiles dropped off as an apology for his behavior, says that the boy had nothing to apologize for.**_

_**Derek remembers the entry that said**_ "I had no right to feel that way yesterday and I made you listen to it, Dee." _ **even as his ears ring with an echo of what Stiles told him once:**_ "You always have the right to your feelings, don't ever tell yourself different."

_**He just wishes that he'd listen to his own advice.** _


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING HERE. STILES HAS BEEN SUPER DEPRESSED UP TO THIS POINT, AS YOU KNOW. BUT HE HITS ROCK BOTTOM HERE. THIS ISN'T NECESSARY TO READ FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT, BUT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. THERE IS SELF HARM MENTIONED IN THIS CHAPTER.

_April 6, 2006_

 

Hi, Mom. I miss you. I think I always will, no matter how many birthdays go by. Don't tell anyone though, alright? Shh... Everyone thinks I'm okay, so I'm gonna let them. It's easier for them that way. As for me, well... It's always a work in progress. I decide to be fine until the end of the week. I make myself smile because that's my job. I do it right, with a smile, or I don't do it at all. It's when I don't do it at all that they all start to worry, because those are the times when I can't make myself get out of bed for days or weeks.

 

I don't let that happen often, though, so don't worry too much about me. I'm starting to be okay. I don't think my coping mechanisms are healthy, but they're working and that's all I can ask for. Dad stopped drinking, by the way. I don't know if I told you he was drinking at all, but he's stopped. I'm glad. It doesn't mean he's home more, but it means that the house smells better, at least. And there are no more bottles for me to pick up.

 

I don't know if I should tell you, Mom, but I cut myself on one of them on accident once. I dropped it before I got to the trashcan and there were pieces all over the floor and one of them cut me. Then it happened again a few days later. Then again the next day. I stopped pretending they were accidents sometime around last week, I think. But its been going on since the end of January. My legs are kind of scarred now. I don't mind, it just means I have to wear jeans more. Like I said, my coping mechanisms aren't healthy by a long shot, but they're effective. When I'm bleeding on the outside, I stop bleeding so much on the inside.

 

What color is blood, Mom? It looked the same shade as fruit punch, but not as see through. I've been trying to figure it out. I feel like it's a different color on the inside, because the pain is so different. On the outside you can bruise or burn or cut but on the inside, it's just an ache. It just hurts in the worst way possible and no one can see. Maybe that's because blood on the inside is invisible.

 

I know what this sounds like, but I don't want to die. If I did, you'd be disappointed because you'd see me again too soon. I just... I want to find a way for it to stop hurting, I think. Nothing else has really worked besides Dee, and I don't always have the time to write everything down. I miss having people around that actually cared about that kind of thing though. It would just make all of this a little easier. Maybe I wouldn't be doing this, maybe I would. Honestly, I probably would. But if just one person was around and noticed that I'm not getting better, I might feel worse about it and

 

_**Derek can't finish. He just... Can't. He knows now. Knows the scent of blood coming off of Stiles occasionally isn't "Just a scrape, you overprotective Sourwolf." Stiles never stopped, which doesn't at all surprise him. He never stopped, never found the right coping mechanism, never let any of his "invisible blood" anywhere near the surface because he thought it might inconvenience someone. He thought it was a bad thing, to let the pain air out. No, that's not it. He simply didn't know another way. Stiles is good; the type of pure, untarnished good that only comes in very few people. He didn't want his own suffering to get in the way of another person's happiness, so he bottled everything up until the invisible blood turned red. Let himself believe that his pain wasn't worth the discomfort of the people he loved.** _

 

_**Derek flips through the rest of the journal without really reading anything. As Stiles gets older, there are more and more red post its and ever fewer green or yellow. Three last green post it is marked with nothing more than a heart. It's the last entry Stiles made and Derek knows without reading that it's the day they first met in the forest.** _

 

_**His heart clenches. They need to get Stiles back now, because it's Derek's turn to fix him, to make sure he never feels like he has to do this... Thing... To himself again. Because it's a good thing that he doesn't want to kill himself, but Derek's wolf howls within him when it realizes that they haven't been providing, haven't been enough. He howls out loud because it hurts.** _

 

_**He howls out loud for the mate that he may never get the chance to help.** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so ends Derek's peeping onto Stiles' diary. Dee will reappear later on in the series, but for now he has been put away. Obvs, Derek gets super focused on getting Stiles back from the Nogitsune, so the next bit will be the aftermath.

**Author's Note:**

> I cried writing this, I'm sorry for whatever you felt reading it. And all typos were intentional. They get better as he gets older.
> 
> Come find me on tumblr: @look-im-just-trash


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